House Rules
- No drop-in guests at any time, ever. If you drop in, salutations must be delivered in the manner of song lyrics, and you must be bearing a marble Jeannie’s log cake with vanilla icing and a cookie crust that is to be gifted to us upon entry. NOTE: there will be no busting of rhymes.
- The jumping around of house guests is not permitted. Should the home owners commence in jumping around, do not join in. Jump around! …That was a test. If you jumped around, you are not allowed in.
- No shenanigans. We like our neighbors. They like us back.
- Upon entering our home, you will observe a coat closet on the right, and your feet will be on a floor mat that easily accommodates yourself and whomever just entered our home with you, even as you step aside to close the door behind you. There is no reason for your coat to land anywhere other than on a coat hanger in the closet, or for your filthy shoes to stray beyond the limits of our doormat. Should your outerwear find itself astray, we will encourage you to collect your things and leave. In fact, don’t come over. You’ll fuck up.
- If you are invited to our home and none of the above rules have been broken, you will find yourself seated in either our living room or dining room. This likely means you have been invited and will be staying for a meal and/or snacks and bevvies. This also means you need to be a gracious guest. It is impolite to show up empty-handed. This is an oldschool rule to which we abide. Worse: Do not show up empty handed expecting to eat our food, announce that you are now a vegan, and ask to see the recipes we used to prepare our meal. We are of the belief that animals are meant to be eaten. This includes our own cats, should a desperate situation arise. This means you need to assume you will be eating part of an animal when under our roof.
- Both of us are extremely sensitive to smell. There is a fan in the bathroom. Don’t be weird about it. For some reason people don’t like to use the bathroom fan. People like the consequences even less. If you are in there for more than 45 seconds and I don’t hear it, expect to see a thick mist of Lysol under the door.
- On that note, we have conveniently provided our guests with a back-up roll of toilet paper in a sanitary bin beside the toilet. Should you kill the roll, please replace it – The square glued to the roll is less than the equivalent of that little slice of bread just a shade larger than a crouton you sometimes find left in the bag. If desperate, you’ll eat the bread. You never use that scrap of toilet paper. Throw it out. Also, please observe that we are “over” people.
- Your children may not come over. We won’t like them.
- We both wonder what ever happened to the rule that states ‘do not discuss money with friends’. Don’t ask what we made and what we paid. Fuck you and all your questions! Get the hell out….
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