Bob's Backyard

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

A man is sleeping in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock: it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” his wife asks.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing right there. It didn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.

“Hi there.” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”

“No, get lost, it’s half past three. I was in bed.” says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy is drunk.” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter.” says the wife. “He needs our help and it would be the right thing to do.”

So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: “Hey, do you still want a push?” And he hears a voice cry out, “Yeah please.”

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: “Where are you?”

And the stranger replies, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

As a Minnesota trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers his window and she says, “Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.” The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

Then the truck stops for another red light, the blonde catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up to the truck and knocks on the door.

Again the trucker lowers the window.

As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, “Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!” Shaking his head the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath the blonde gets out of her car runs up to the truck and knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers his window. Again she says, “Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!”

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window and as she lowers it, he says….

“Hi, My name is Kevin. It’s winter in Minnesota and I’m driving the SALT TRUCK.”

It was obvious to Mom and Dad that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie without their 9-year-old son hanging around was to send him out on the balcony. So they ordered him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary, “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said. “An ambulance just drove by. It looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out. “Max is riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.”

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.

“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too.”

A 110-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling.

“I’ve never felt better,” he replies. I’ve got an 18-year-old bride who’s pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”

The doctor thinks for a moment and says, “Let me tell you a story. I know a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season but one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, he’s walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the beaver, squeezes the handle, and BAM! the beaver drops dead in front of him.”

That’s impossible,” said the old man in disbelief, “someone else must have shot that beaver!”

”Exactly,” said the doctor.

A couple of good deals coming up at Wally World next Friday.  I could use a small LCD TV, and they’ll have them for $178.

WalMart has now released their Black Friday advertisement online. See it at BFads.net

A blonde is showing off her new tattoo of a giant
seashell on her inner thigh.

Her friends ask her why she would get such a tattoo
and why in that location.

She responded, “It’s really cool. If you put
your ear up against the tattoo,
you can smell the ocean.”